The Conclusion of the Silver Safety Pin Affair -- Scene 3

Scene 3 – the streets of London and the National Archives of Hamster Cages

SH (waving arm, the one without GB on it): Cab!

BW: Where are we going, Mr. Holmes? (notices GB grasping Holmes’ arm) (hisses) Hey…quit fawning on him…he doesn’t like it.

GB: (hisses back) He offered. He even did the *twitchy half smile*!

BW (gasps): The…twitchy half smile? (almost swoons)

SH: I am loath to interrupt this conversation, ladies, but our cab has arrived. (motions for them to enter)

BW (shoves GB into the cab first so BW can sit by SH): (brightly) Ah, yes, where did you say we were headed, Mr. Holmes?

SH: I did not say, and we are headed to the National Archives of Hamster Cages.

GB (leans forward and looks past BW): Are you serious?

SH (slightly put off): Perfectly, I assure you. Even my limited sense of humor could evolve a better joke than that.

BW (snickers inwardly at this rift): What do you hope to find there?

SH: The archives contain every model of hamster cage ever invented. I wish to find the exact model you possess, and ascertain with what ease or difficulty the thief could have gained access.

BW: (Nods knowingly)

SH: Also, I wish to know what kind of hamster you have? Is it of the more vicious breed?

BW: Oh no, it’s super sweet. His name is Fluffy Foo Foo Face McFee, and he’s white with little black spots and…I even taught him how to sit! (sits back in triumph)

GB: (groans)

SH: (gives GB a sympathetic look) So, are you saying that…um…Fluffy would have made no move to attack the intruder?

BW: (indignantly) Certainly not.

SH: Ah yes. This is a pretty problem. (muses, fingers steepled)

GB: How far is it to the National Archives of Hamster Cages?

SH: (rousing himself) Not much farther now, but a few more blocks and we shall arrive.

BW: I can’t wait; hamster cages are a huge obsession of mine, along with American Idol and Phantom of the Opera!

SH (raises eyebrows waaaaay high): Indeed.

GB: Ah, here we are! (waits for BW and SH to exit the cab)

SH (stalking ahead into the large doors): Come ladies!

GB (falling behind with BW): …It’s not a contest, you know.

BW (grin): Oh, but it is, my dear, it is.

GB (narrows eyes): Do you really want to do this?

BW (narrows eyes back): Bring it. (Runs to catch up with SH)

GB (sighs): (wonders whether BW fully knows who she’s dealing with as she runs to catch up with those two)

SH (walking into the first exhibit hall): Now, Miss Ward, how early of a model is your hamster cage? Please be as precise as possible.

BW (with wrinkled forehead): Hmm…I’d say probably a 1998 model?

SH (in surprise): That must be quite the aged hamster you have there!

BW: Oh, but he’s still as spry as ever. (bats eyelashes)

GB (in the meantime has found the model): Mr. Holmes, I believe *this* is what you are looking for?

SH (turns to face the exhibit): It certainly is. (gives GB an approving nod) (whips out magnifying glass) Ah…this entrance tunnel is extremely narrow…yet you say your hamster could fit through this?

BW (in complete solemnity): Yes. He is a very fit hamster. He works out every day. (looks off into the distance) I don’t know if I could bear it if he was stolen…(starts to sob)

SH (looks awkwardly around): Er…please compose yourself, Miss Ward. (pats her on the back)

BW: (immediately perks up)

GB: Yes, well, anyway, what have you deduced from this, Mr. Holmes? I assume that you have come to the conclusion that the thief could not have been human, judging from the size of the entrance tunnel?

SH: Why, yes, indeed, Miss Brennan, that was my exact deduction. (take GB’s arm and strolls off) As you can see, the arm of a grown man, or even a child would never fit; indeed,they could scarcely fit three fingers into that tunnel, and as the safety pin was at the very end, its theft by those means would prove impossible.

GB (flashes wicked grin back at BW): Precisely my thoughts, Mr. Holmes.

BW (runs after them, latches onto SH’s other arm): Brilliant, Mr. Holmes!

SH (begins to realize the rivalry that is going on) (pulls away from both girls): Yes, it is as I feared: this is clearly the work of Colonel Sebastian Moran!

GB (puzzled): But I thought he was more of a weaponry specialist?

SH (sighs): Really, I’m surprised at you, Miss Brennan; it’s all far too elementary.

BW: (giggles)

GB (to BW): Oh come now, you don’t know what Moran has to do with anything either!

BW: Nope, but I’m not the one who said something about it. (holds head triumphantly)

GB: (fumes)

SH (rushing out of the building): Cab! (turns to the girls behind him) We must depart for…Australia!

GB, BW: (jaw drop)

EXEUNT