The Conclusion of the Silver Safety Pin Affair -- Scene 14

Scene 14 – Venetian hotel, boat

Girls’ room, hotel

BW: (packs suitcase) (sighs) I love Italy.

GB: Mmmhmm. (struggles to close suitcase) I swear, this new dress is making my packing life very difficult. (sits on suitcase, it still doesn’t close) Can you help me, Bre?

BW: Sure. (jumps up and down on suitcase, still doesn’t close)

GB: (irritated) Dumb thing.

SH: (yells) Get out of my way! (comes flying through door, lands on suitcase, it clicks shut) (runs away laughing) You’ll never catch me, I’M THE GINGERBREAD MAN!

GB: (open-mouthed) That might just win the award for the weirdest thing I’ve ever seen.

BW: (also shocked) I’d say it’s right up there.

GB: Does caffeine affect him, I wonder?

BW: He’s showing all the signs…

GB, BW hear laughing in the hallway

GB: What? (pokes head out, sees SH on floor, laughing) Um…Holmes? Are you…um…ok?

SH: Ooooo, it’s Grace! (passes out) (hops up) Oh, I’m quite all right, I assure you. I was merely conducting an experiment. (walks away calmly)

BW: (pokes head out too) What? Are you experimenting with weird Italian drugs or something? Please say you’re not.

SH: (turns around) Of course not. I was trying out a persona for a new disguise I am perfecting. (flashes grin) My adolescent female disguise. (continues walking away, starts skipping and singing) Weeee’re off to see the wizard, the wonderful wizard of Oz! Doo doo dee dee dee dee dee doo doo doo dee deeeee!

GB: I *do not* act like that…er, usually. (giggles)

BW: Oh Holmes. (laughs) I think we may have traumatized him.

GB: Quite probable, I daresay.

At the boat dock

GB: Where on earth is Holmes? We’re leaving in five minutes!

BW: Maybe he’s off being a teenage girl a bit more. (rolls eyes)

SH runs up the dock

SH: Oh my word, like, omg, sorry I’m late!

GB: (grabs SH’s shoulders, shakes him) Holmes! Snap out of it!

SH: (shout of perfectly Holmesian laughter) I’m not *in* anything to snap out of! It’s a *disguise*! Will you two please believe that my mind is still in its original condition?

BW: Sure…just stop it, ok? It’s kind of freaking us out.

SH: (perfectly dignified) Of course. If it gives you discomfort, I shall cease. (grabs bags, heads aboard)

BW, GB exchange humorous glance

BW: (stops abruptly) Wait…where’s Fluffy?

GB: In his cage in your suitcase?

BW: (holds up cage) I’M HOLDING HIS CAGE, AND HE’S NOT IN IT! (starts frantically running around the dock) FLUFFY! FLUFFYYYYYYY!

GB: Maybe he decided to return to the wild?

BW: HAMSTERS DON’T LIVE IN THE WILD!

GB: Oh yeah. I forgot. (looks casually around) Fluffy Face Foo Foo Fellow, where are you?

BW: THAT’S NOT HIS NAME! (hysterical sobs) FLUFFYYYYYYYY!

SH: (returns) What is this commotion?

BW: FLUFFY …GONE…FLUFFYYYYY! NOT IN…CAGE…FLUFFYYYYYY!

SH: (to GB) If I’m translating correctly, the hamster is missing?

GB: Quite.

SH: I could have sworn he was in my pocket…(looks) Oh, calm yourself, Bre, here he is.

BW: WHY DID YOU HIDE HIM FROM ME IN YOUR POCKET?

SH: (gives Fluffy a stern look) You said you asked permission.

BW: (calming) Well, he didn’t.

SH: (returns Fluffy to BW) I apologize for this lack of communication.

BW: (small smile, still shaken up) It’s all right. (to Fluffy) Don’t do that again! Don’t you know you need to tell me where you’re going? (boards the boat)

GB, SH follow, trying to hold in their laughter

EXEUNT

The Conclusion of the Silver Safety Pin Affair - Scene 13

I die laughing. *dies laughing*

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Scene 13 – Venice

GB: We. Are on. A *gondola*! (does a little dance while sitting)

SH: (teasing) I never would have deduced, thank you for pointing that out.

GB: (giggles) Oh stop.

BW: (drags hand in the water) (sigh of contentment) This is nice…especially after all the craziness.

GB: It sure is.

SH: Quite. (closes eyes, dozes off)

GB: (softly) What were you saying about monkeys?

BW: (also softly) Are you kidding? You’ve never heard of the Venetian monkey gardens, famous

throughout the world?

GB: Um…no.

BW: You, my friend, have seriously missed out.

GB: I see…

BW: (excitedly) We’re going to the monkey gardens right now.

GB: Did I mention…

BW: (breaks in) That you have a monkey phobia?

GB: (giggles) I was going to say that…but I really don’t; I just like making up phobias.

BW: (smiles) You're too funny.

They float along in the sunshine; start going under a canopy of trees

BW: Ooo, we’re getting close! This is the start of the monkey gardens!

GB: Should we wake Holmes?

BW: Nah, when we start seeing cute widdle monkeys, then we will.

GB: Because he just *loves* cute widdle monkeys. (elbows BW playfully)

BW: (grins) There are people in this world who don’t? You jest.

Blur of fur comes flying through the air, attaches itself to SH

SH: (wakes immediately) GAAAH! GET THIS FLEABAG OFF OF ME! IT’S ATTEMPTING TO

STRANGLE ME, I KNOW IT!

GB: (drily) Yep, he just loves ‘em.

BW: Holmes! (grabs and cuddles the monkey) I think you’ve hurt its feelings. (strokes monkey)

SH: (indignant) *I* hurt *its* feelings? What about my near nervous breakdown? Of course, that

is of no consequence, everything is about that monkey. (crosses arms, turns away)

GB: (to BW) I think he’s tired.

BW: (crossly) What is he, two years old? (to SH) Oh grow up, Holmes!

GB: (slightly nicer tone) Holmes, remember when the hamster attacked me? And you told me to

just suck it up? Well, that’s what I’m telling you now. Suck it up.

SH: (sigh of exasperation) Fine. Just keep *it* away from me, if you please. (looks around) Where

are we? This isn’t the restaurant.

BW: (fidgets) I, uh, decided we should take a slight detour.

SH: (narrows eyes) And, where are we?

BW: (mumbles) The Venetian Monkey Gardens…

SH: (groans) (to the gondolier) Turn this boat around, I’m starving. (to BW) The monkey

gardens? Really?

BW: (wicked grin) Really. Even my limited sense of humor could evolve a better joke than that.

SH: (laughs in spite of himself) Oh, you.

GB: Um, Bre…I think the monkey needs to go back home now.

BW: (looks down into her arms) Oh, yes. (pause) You don’t think they’d mind if I kept it, do you?

SH: Oh believe me, they would mind very much, (in a low voice) as would I.

BW: Oh, fine. (lets monkey go) Bye bye, widdle monkey! (blows kiss)

GB: (stifles a laugh)

At the restaurant

GB: Pizza is very different when you’re actually in Italy…way less cheese, yes! (pumps fist)

SH: (smiles) And how is your vegetable lasagna, Bre?

BW: Awesome. (takes another bite) I'm so glad they make vegetarian food in Italy.

SH: (leans back) I remember when… (stops abruptly) Are you two trying to make this

uncomfortable?

GB, BW look puzzled

GB: What are you talking about, Holmes?

SH: (stiffly and coldly) I have no interest in playing footsie, thank you, ladies.

GB: (turns to BW) Bre! Talk about awkward!

BW: (distraught) What? I would *never* do that! I’m not touching you, Holmes!

SH: Then what… (monkey crawls up his leg) The little fiend has followed us! (jumps up and tries to

shake it off) (points at BW) I blame you for this! You caused it to form an emotional attachment

to our party! (continues hopping)

GB, BW laugh hysterically

Waiters come, remove animal

SH: (sits down, slightly ruffled, continues eating) As I was saying…

GB, BW cannot hold in their mirth, start laughing again

SH: (stares, then starts laughing with) I’m sorry for accusing you girls… (keeps laughing)

GB: (calming down) Oh my…

BW: (giggles) (in a deep voice) I have no interest in playing footsie, thank you ladies! (dies

laughing)

GB, SH crack up again

EXEUNT

The Conclusion of the Silver Safety Pin Affair - Scene 12

My favoritest scene :) We couldn't resist. Enjoy it, there are only 3 parts left after this!

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Scene 12 – The Australian Inn, the girls’ room

Night

BW Good night, Holmes!

SH Good night, Bre.

GB G’night, Holmes!

SH Sleep well, Grace.

BW (shuts the door) Grace, that was the scariest thing I’ve ever done in my life. I don’t do caves

well.

GB (laughs and pulls blankets around her) Yes…it was scary, but totally worth it. You recovered your safety pin, Holmes defeated Moran…and the platypuses aren’t going to bother us anymore! (shudders)

BW (climbs into her bed and wraps snuggie around her) Yes, I suppose. I still don’t think I will forget it any time soon, though.

SH (knocks on the door) Bre, Grace? Are you still awake?

BW (leaps out of bed and wraps snuggie closer) Um..yeah, what is it, Holmes?

GB (whispers) Don’t let him in. The room’s a mess. (climbs out of bed and starts shoving things into the corners and under the beds)

BW (standing by the door) Holmes?

SH I found something you two ought to see…

BW (to GB, whispers) I don’t think he’ll mind. He lives at Baker Street, which is constantly littered with all kinds of papers…

GB (dives under the blankets and her snuggie) Alright, I’m good.

BW (turns on the light and opens the door)

SH (sticks hand in the door, but doesn’t come in) Here, I found this under the sofa.

BW (takes the paper, which is very official-looking, and turns it over) What…were you doing under

the couch?

SH (matter-of-factly) It’s rather therapeutic, you know, especially when one returns from long expeditions into caves full of tiny platypuses.

GB (shudders under the blankets)

SH I shall leave you now, good night.

SH exits

BW (thinks aloud) I do wonder how being under the couch would be…therapeutic? (reads and

then gasps)

GB (excitedly sits up in bed) What? What is it?

BW (twirls around) The police force of Australia has somehow gotten word that Holmes defeated

Moran…and they’re holding a ball in our honor, tomorrow evening!

GB (squeals excitedly) A ball?

BW Yes! A ball! I hope there’s a piano, I haven’t played since we left home!

GB (thinks) Dancing…

BW (can hardly breathe) Dancing…I love dancing, especially the foxtrot. When I took ballroom

dancing lessons, I danced with this really tall dude, and we went around all of the other couples really really fast. We were so good at it…(sighs remembering) I should teach Holmes how to do the

foxtrot…

GB (giggles) Don’t you think Holmes *knows* how to dance the foxtrot?

BW (sighs) Yes, with me. That would be awesome.

GB (is silent, pondering)

BW Good night, Grace.

GB Good night, Bre. (sighs)

The Next Day, the girls’ room

GB (sighs in despair) I really don’t have anything appropriate to wear to a ball…

BW (searching through suitcase) Me either…this is terribly unfortunate, I wonder if Holmes would mind taking us to the dress shop to find something?

SH (knocks on the door) May I come in?

BW (shrugs at GB) Sure, Holmes.

SH enters, with two large, white boxes

GB What are those for?

SH For you. (hands one box to each of them) I must return to my own room and prepare

myself…meet me out on the veranda in a half-hour, and we shall take a carriage.

BW (looks at box, then at Holmes) Thank you, we’ll be ready. (smiles)

GB (traces the pattern on the box with her finger) Thank you very much, Holmes!

SH (bows) My pleasure. (exits)

BW (excitedly sets box on bed and starts to open it) Holmes is so thoughtful, isn’t he?

GB (follows suit) Yes, he is.

BW (gasps) Oh…my…goodness…it’s so beautiful! (pulls a long, blue ball gown out of the box, with silver trim, lace on the collar and sleeves and a long, flowing skirt)

GB (sits on bed and grins) He has such good taste!! (pulls her own dress out of the box,

shimmering green with a long, fitted skirt that flows out at the bottom)

BW (sighs) What a guy. He’s incredible. First snuggies, and now ball gowns!

GB (grins) I know. Let’s put them on.

BW and GB help each other into their gowns

BW (twirls around) I feel so grown-up, and elegant…I’ve never had an off-shoulder dress before…

GB (grabs BW’s hands and twirls with her) Neither have I! They look so gorgeous on! (hoots)

CLAVICLE!

BW (giggles and stops twirling) Let’s go out on the veranda, and show Holmes.

GB (agrees)

The girls go out onto the veranda, where Holmes is waiting, wearing a suit and stovepipe hat.

SH (bows) Are you ladies ready?

BW Yes, I’m ready!

GB (twirls) Yes, sir!

SH escorts the girls to the carriage and sits opposite them inside

GB This has been quite an adventure, has it not?

BW Ah yes, it’s been wonderful, though. Even if a little frightening, at times. I will never forget it.

SH Yes, it has been quite a trip. All in pursuit of a safety pin…(stares out window and is silent)

BW and GB watch Holmes silently

Carriage pulls up to the hall and stops, Holmes jumps out and helps each of the girls out one at a

time and escorts them into the hall.

BW (spotting a concert grand piano in the corner) Oooh….

SH (laughs) You may go, Bre.

BW (a little confused) How did you know that I love the piano?

SH (laughs) The same way I deduced that Miss Violet Smith was a piano teacher…(takes BW’s

hand and holds it up) Your fingertips are slightly flat, from years of playing. Am I correct in my

deduction?

BW (studies her fingertips) You are correct, Holmes…I’ve been playing for 11 years…

SH (laughs) By all means, then, show us what you can do! (motions toward the piano)

BW (grins) Alright, I will! (walks to the piano)

SH (offers arm to GB and they slowly walk toward the piano) I see you two have…at least

somewhat…resolved your little problem?

GB (laughs) Yes…I do believe it was the snuggie dance that did it. Bre is very…creative…with those

kinds of things.

They stop talking and stand near the piano while BW begins to play Beethoven’s Waltz in D

SH Do you know the waltz?

GB (hesitates) No…I do not.

SH Well then, I shall show you, if you are not opposed. (bows to GB) Will you do me the honor of

this dance?

GB (smiles) Of course, my dear Holmes.

SH takes GB’s hand, and Holmes begins showing GB how to dance a waltz while BW plays the

piano in the background

GB: (following SH’s gentle leading around the dance floor) I really want to thank you…for

everything. I’m sure you would have had a much easier investigation without us along. (half smile)

SH: (smiles) The comic relief you provided was vital. (winks)

GB: (giggles) Crowbar…baritsu…CPR.

SH: (chuckles) Quite. (silent for a moment) Grace…I would also like to thank you.

GB: (slight surprise) For what?

SH: For being willing to overcome your difficulties with Bre, for being such a good sport about all the difficulties of this trip, and…for trusting me enough to tell me what was troubling you. I deeply appreciate this.

GB: (teary) Oh Holmes…thank you for not hating me after that.

SH: (leans forward) Believe me, I could never, ever hate you.

GB: (looks into SH’s eyes) (whispers) Thank you.

SH: (lightly brushes lips across GB’s forehead)

Song ends

SH (takes GB’s hand, bows, and kisses it)

GB (curtsies)

BW (runs up) You guys danced beautifully, I love watching people dance while I provide the

music (smiles)

GB Thanks, Bre.

BW One of the policemen plays the piano as well, and he offered to play some music for the

foxtrot! (to SH) That’s my absolute favorite.

SH (laughs) It’s one of mine, as well.

BW (looks at GB, surprised) Really?

SH Of course. (to GB) Thank you for the dance, Grace.

GB Thank *you,* Holmes. (goes to sit down)

SH (to BW) Well, as I now know that we are to begin the foxtrot…(bows) Will you, Bre, do me the

honor of this next dance?

BW (eyes light up) Of course, Holmes!

SH leads BW onto the floor; they catch a glimpse of GB, chatting with a young police officer and

sipping punch

BW: (dances) I can’t believe all that we’ve been through over the past weeks. Everything flew by

so fast…

SH: (in a low voice) Too fast.

BW: (smiles) Do you mean to say that the great detective will miss two giddy girls like us?

SH: (smiles back) Indeed, I shall. (pause) Very much.

They dance, silence

SH: (breaks silence) Do you know what I’ll miss the most?

BW: What?

SH: Your enthusiasm and obvious joy in living. It has lifted many a threatening dark mood of

mine.

BW: (slight blush) You didn’t think I was…ditzy?

SH: (chuckles) Not in the slightest. Though, your exuberant dissertation on your hamster on our

way to the National Archives might have been on the verge…

BW: (laughs) Oh my.

SH: (wide smile)

Silence

BW: Holmes…

SH: (meets BW’s eyes) Yes?

BW: Thank you for listening to me…when I told you…about why Grace and I were fighting.

SH: It was very brave of you, you know.

BW: (blush) I didn’t think it was terribly brave.

SH: Becoming emotionally vulnerable is always brave. Remember that.

BW: (softly) I will.

Song ends

SH: Good. (brushes BW’s hair from her forehead with his fingertips, slips hand behind her head,

and plants kiss in the middle of her forehead) (smiles)

BW (grins) Thank you, Holmes.

SH Thank you, Bre.

GB (claps) I like the foxtrot! I wish I knew how to dance it.

BW (smiles) I will teach you sometime, if you would like! (realizes she’s still holding Holmes’ hand,

and looks down at it)

SH (bows to BW and kisses her hand, then lets go)

GB Would you two like some punch? It’s delicious.

SH I daresay I shall. Bre, would you like some?

BW Sure, thank you, Holmes.

SH leaves to get punch

GB (leans over to start saying something to BW, then stops abruptly)

BW What?

GB (points) That officer, over there…he has...a crowbar in his pocket…

BW (looks) Are you serious?

GB Yes.

SH returns with punch, hands a cup to BW

BW (whispers to SH) Holmes, that officer has got a crowbar in his pocket…is that…normal?

SH (raises eyebrows and sips punch) No…I do not believe so. Neither the crowbar, or its

residence in his pocket. I shall inquire as to why it is in his possession on this occasion. (walks to

the officer)

Enter Officer = PO

PO Good evenin’, sir. (pauses) You Mr. Sherlock Holmes, by any chance?

SH I am. (motions to BW and GB, who are watching; BW waves and smiles) These two young

ladies have informed me that you have, in your possession, a crowbar, and this has made them

quite uneasy as they have had…rather…strange… experiences with crowbars in the past. I have

come to inquire as to why you retain a crowbar on the eve of a ball…

PO (grasps crowbar) Ah, yes…this. (pulls it partway out of his pocket) See…I have this...rival…

SH (raises eyebrows and sips punch)

PO …he’s tryin’ to steal mah Matilda!

SH (nearly sprays his punch everywhere)(coughs)

PO You alright, Mr. Holmes?

SH (looks at punch with a blank expression on his face) Yes, of course, thank you. But…what

were you planning to do with the crowbar?

PO (laughs) Ah, well, that…I was plannin’ on hittin’ him o’er the head with it, if he steals mah

Matilda from under mah nose like ‘e’s plannin’ on doin’!

SH (eyes wide) Ah…I see. Well…thank you. Enjoy the rest of your evening.

PO You too, sir!

SH (returns to BW and GB)

BW Sooo…?

SH (laughs) His story is…uncannily similar to that of two young ladies of my acquaintance…

GB (blushes) You mean…the rivalry?

SH (nods) Now, I must dispose of this punch. It’s not treating me too well tonight. When I return,

are you entirely opposed to our taking leave?

BW Not at all, Holmes.

SH disposes of his punch, and then returns, escorting BW and GB back to the carriage

SH (watches the girls in silence)

BW (pondering her conversation with SH while looking out the window)

GB (pondering her conversation with SH while playing with the fabric on her dress)

SH (breaking the silence) How did you ladies enjoy your evening?

BW Oh Holmes, it was the best ball ever!

GB I enjoyed myself immensely, thank you.

SH Very good, very good. (retreats into silence)

BW (hesitantly) And you, Holmes?

SH (smiles) I enjoyed myself very much, thank you, Bre. And, I must say, you two are very

accomplished dancers…

GB (smiles)

SH …and Bre, the waltz you played was beautiful.

BW (blushes and smiles) Thank you, Holmes, that’s very kind of you to say…

SH My pleasure.

GB I hate to stray too far from this line of conversation, but where are we headed tomorrow?

SH (thinks) I believe we should take a…shall we say…scenic detour…back to London? Perhaps

make a stop in the country of your choice…

BW and GB look at each other, and simultaneously shout: Venice!

SH (laughs) Alright…

BW With *gondolas…*

GB and *gondoliers…*

BW and *monkeys…*

GB (stops) Monkeys?

EXEUNT