The Wallaby of Death - Part 6

Scene 6 - Ferrari

Driving along

Something falls from the sky

Bre (looking around): What was that?

Grace (picking something up off the floor of the vehicle): It looks like a sugar cube.

Bre (puzzled): Sugar cubes don’t fall from the sky.

Holmes (sarcastically): What a revelation!

Bre (sigh)

More sugar cubes pelt the car from all directions. Watson slows the car to a stop in the middle of

the road.

Watson (frustrated): What is going on?

Bre (solemnly): Bad things.

Grace: Bad things happen in the countryside.

Holmes (leaps out of the car without opening the door and dodges flying sugar cubes; leaps onto

hood of Ferrari)

Watson (cringes): Hooolmes….

Holmes: Unseen foes…HEAR ME.

Bre and Grace look at each other, puzzled)

Holmes: Declare yourselves…and your motives…

Watson (jumps onto hood of car with Holmes): Or your civilization shall be destroyed!

Holmes (looks at Watson in surprise): Very good, dear fellow.

Watson: I try.

Bre and Grace stare blankly at the men on the hood of the car as Mary screams from the trunk

From the woods, another person emerges and leaps onto the hood of the car

Person: Followers, disperse!

Much rustling ensues as the followers disperse

Holmes (addressing the person): What is the meaning of throwing sugar cubes in such a hostile

manner?

Person: Uh…it seemed like a good idea at the time…

Watson: Who are you?

Person (triumphant): I am Amy, leader of the Fairy Seekers!

Holmes and Watson exchange puzzled glances over Amy’s head

Bre and Grace stifle laughter

Grace: Fairy Seekers?

Amy: Um…yeah.

Holmes: And what, pray tell, is the primary occupation of…a Fairy Seeker?

Amy: Um…we seek fairies.

Holmes (face palms)

Watson: And how do you go about that enterprise?

Amy (hops down from hood of car): We use sugar cubes and jars.

Bre: Ummm…kay.

Amy begins to wander around, retrieving the sugar cubes from the ground. Watson follows suit

and wanders into the woods.

Mary (shouting and pounding in the trunk): HELP! HELP ME!

Amy (stops): What is that?

Grace: Nothing…nothing at all…

Amy: ARE YOU KIDNAPPERS?!?!?!

Holmes (mischievous look): Yes.

Bre and Grace freak out

Grace: HOLMES! We are not kidnappers!

Bre: No no, we’re not!

Amy (dashes toward the trunk): We must let her out! (to Mary) Friend, I am here to help you

escape from these dangerous ruffians!

Mary (muffled): THANK YOU

Bre, Grace and Holmes dash toward the trunk

Holmes (trying to restrain Amy): No, we cannot let her out!

Bre (sits on trunk lid)

Amy (fights Holmes) No! KIDNAPPERS! HELP!!!

Grace (motions for Bre to get off the trunk and opens lid)

Mary (tries to leap out but is restrained by Bre)

Holmes shoves Amy in the trunk, and helps Bre to shove Mary in the trunk and shuts the lid.

The girls scream and thrash about

Watson returns from the woods with pocketfuls of sugar cubes and hears the commotion.

Watson: Holmes! What is that heinous noise?

Holmes: Watson, Watson…have even your most rudimentary powers of observation failed you?

That is the sound of agitated females shrieking and kicking each other in a confined space. I am

surprised at you…it is far too elementary.

Watson (rolls eyes): Why yes, quite silly of me, Holmes.

Bre: How long are we going to keep them there?

Holmes: Whatever length of time proves necessary.

Bre: I see.

Everyone returns to the car and Watson begins to drive again.

EXEUNT

The Wallaby of Death - Part 5

Scene 5 - Woods

The trio hears continuous rustling in the bushes and underbrush. They dash about.

Bre: Holmes, I think I hear it over here!

Everyone runs in Bre’s direction

Silence

Bre: Er…wait…maybe it was the other way.

Everyone runs in the other direction…rustling gets louder

Holmes (whispers): Shhhh, we’re almost upon him!

Silence, except rustling in the bushes

Holmes (creeps forward)

Grace (screams and clutches at hair): AHHHHH GET IT OFF GET IT OFF!!!!!!

Rustling disappears into the night as Holmes turns around in frustration

Grace (crying): It’s a snaaaail in my haaaair!!!!

Holmes (sarcastically): Oh, would you like me to drop what I’m doing and remove it from your

hair?

Grace (still crying): I’m sorrrrry!! Snails are icky!

Holmes (grabs snail and pitches it into the woods, then stalks off)

Bre (looks sympathetic): I would have screamed, too…

Bre and Grace trail behind Holmes

Holmes reaches the campfire, where Watson is flinging pancakes about in a very wild and

agitated manner

Holmes (walks up to Watson and shakes him): Watson, man, snap out of it!

Watson (shakes his head and “wakes up”): Whaaa?

Bre and Grace return and look around at the mountainous piles of pancakes

Watson (realizes how many pancakes he just made): Holmes, for goodness sake, man, the

pancakes!

Holmes: Watson, Watson, must I remind you that those are your department?

Watson (bites nails): But, I haven’t the faintest idea what to do with all of them!

Bre: We could save them for later…or (cheerfully) use them to feed the starving captive in our

trunk.

Mary (muffled): I am soooooo hungry, it’s not even funny!

Grace grabs a pancake, opens the trunk slightly, throws the pancake in, and closes the trunk

Mary (makes ravenous munching noises): Manna from heaven!

Everyone pauses, then laughs

Grace (still laughing): Holmes, you have no idea how sorry I am about screaming. Really, I am.

Holmes: I understand perfectly; snails are revolting little creatures. I apologize for snapping at

you, the entire situation was not your fault in the slightest.

Watson (walking about, making neat little piles out of the pancakes): I believe all of these will fit in

the trunk even with…a…person…already in it.

Bre: Hopefully, she won’t eat all of them.

Mary (continues to munch loudly)

EXEUNT

The Wallaby of Death - Part 4

Scene 4 - Open field

Watson has pulled over, and the company is camping out for the night.

Bre: I’m getting hungry…did anyone pack food other than cheese?

Watson (whips out apron and cooking utensils)

Bre and Grace stare in disbelief

Holmes: What are you doing, Watson?

Watson: I should have thought it very simple to deduce, Holmes.

Holmes (annoyed)

Mary (weakly beats fists on the inside of trunk)

Watson (starts making some unidentifiable food)

Bre: Um…What is it?

Watson: Pancakes!

Watson flips pancakes

Rustling is heard in the bushes

Watson (nervously): What was that? (starts flipping pancakes faster)

More rustling in the bushes

Watson: Hoooolmes…

More rustling

Watson (flips faster, wide-eyed)

Bre: Holmes! That’s the same rustling we heard in the bushes when I wrecked my car!

Holmes (leaps up): The chase is on!

Bre, Grace and Holmes leave Watson and run off into the night

Mary (still beating fist in the trunk): HEEELP!

EXEUNT

The Wallaby of Death - Part 3

Scene 3 - Ferrari

Watson and Holmes are sitting in the front seats, Bre and Grace are in the back seats.

Grace (to Holmes): So…do you have any theories on the wallaby prints?

Holmes: Not as of yet…but I feel as if things may take a serious turn in a short while.

They drive on in silence

Bre (sees a person standing alongside the road in the distance): Who would that be, out in the middle of nowhere?

Grace: I wonder if she needs help…

Watson: Shall I pull over?

Grace: Sure!

Car pulls to the side of the road a short distance from the person

Person starts running toward car

Bre: This is freaky…

Person reaches car

Person: HI!

Watson: Um…hi…

Person: I’m Mary!! You have a cute mustache!

Watson (eyes widen, leans back)

Bre (is greatly amused)

Mary: Can I have a ride? In the awesome, mustachioed man’s car? Please??

Grace (skeptically leans forward) Holmes…is that such a good idea?

Holmes (laughing) I see no harm…

Watson (blushes)

Bre: But there’s no room!

Mary: I don’t care! (tries to scramble into the car)

Grace and Bre attempt to restrain Mary from entering the car…Mary puts up a fight.

Holmes (does a sweet baritsu move and stuffs Mary in the trunk)

Mary (muffled): No! No! Is not the mustachioed man kind?!?! (beats fists on inside of trunk)

Holmes (dusts off hands): That should take care of it…

Bre (in disbelief): What just happened?

Grace: Um…I think we shoved someone in our trunk against their will.

Bre: Oh.

Everyone re-enters the car, and Watson drives off

EXEUNT

The Wallaby of Death - Part 2

Scene 2 - Baker Street

Bre and Grace stand outside the door of Baker Street.

Grace: I wonder how awkward it is to ask to borrow someone’s car for your road trip.

Bre: I have no idea.

Grace (knocks on door): I guess we’ll just have to find out.

Pause

Mrs. Hudson (opens door): Hello…oh. I remember you two…

Bre (smiles sweetly): I remember you too, Mrs. Hudson!

Grace (snorts)

Bre: Grace! Don’t snort, it’s unbecoming of you.

Mrs. Hudson: Well…come in.

Bre and Grace follow Mrs. Hudson upstairs

Mrs. Hudson (opens door and peeks in): Mr. Holmes… (gasps)

Bre and Grace: What?

Mrs. Hudson (covers eyes and runs away)

Bre and Grace walk up to the door and peer in…

Holmes and Watson are inside, frolicking about the room, doing the snuggie dance

Bre and Grace: Oh…dear….

Bre: Holmes???

Holmes and Watson immediately stop dancing and stand awkwardly by the window

Long and awkward silence as they all stare at each other

Bre: Pray do not steal my dance. It is copyrighted, I assure you.

Holmes (grabs snuggies and dashes into his bedroom)

More awkward silence as girls watch in disbelief

Watson: Nice weather we’re having…?

Grace: Yeeeeah…very nice…

Bre (staring)

Watson: Er…won’t you sit down?

Grace and Bre sit on the settee

Watson sits in the chair across from them and folds his hands

Watson: Um…it’s nice to see you girls again…

Bre: It’s….lovely to see you too…

Bre and Grace burst out laughing

Watson (blushes)

Holmes enters dramatically

Bre and Grace eye him unsurely

Holmes: Don’t give me that.

Bre: Kay.

Grace: He has a point. We did make it up.

Bre: True.

Bre and Grace leap from the settee and hug Holmes

Holmes stiffens

Bre and Grace return to their seats

Grace: It’s so good to see you, Holmes!

Bre: Yeah!

Holmes: It’s wonderful to see you all, completely unharmed…

Bre: What do you mean?

Holmes: Automotive mishaps do have a tendency to cause injury, especially to adolescent females.

Grace (whispers in Bre’s ear): He wants us to ask him how he deduced that, so he can tell us.

Bre (nods slowly in understanding)

Bre and Grace grin

Grace (to Watson): Can we borrow your car?

Watson (is confused) Holmes…?

Holmes (slightly annoyed): Well, Watson…it seems that in the midst of a completely superfluous argument, control was lost and the vehicle crashed after a short time, into a tree, post, or other some other sort of obstruction.

Watson: I see.

Bre: We reallllly need a car…we’re in the middle of a road-trip, and we only have 3 days!

Watson: But…but…it’s…a Ferrari…

Bre: A WHAT???

Grace: We’ll be very, very careful!

Holmes (mumbles sarcastically): Yes, as careful as you were with the last one…

Grace (glares at Holmes)

Watson: Ok, ok, I give in…you may borrow my…car…

Holmes (studying Bre’s face): But that is not all, my dear friends…

Bre (squirms uncomfortably): No, it’s not…

Grace: We may have a case for you, Holmes.

Holmes (settles in chair and steeples fingers): Continue.

Bre: Well…while we were assessing the damage done to my car…we heard some rustling in the bushes, and when we went to investigate, we saw a bunch of odd-looking footprints…and they were big…and scary…and deep…and big…and…frightening…

Grace (bursts in): Holmes, they were the footprints of…A GIGANTIC WALLABY!

Silence

Holmes: I think it would be prudent if I could observe these…goings-on… for myself. (rises) Come Watson, we shall join our friends on their road trip.

Watson (grins): May I drive?

EXEUNT

The Wallaby of Death - Part 1

Scene 1 - Smart Car

Bre and Grace are crammed in the smart car. Bre is driving.

Bre (greatly agitated): I’m telling you, dancing hogs are a danger to the minds of our youth!!!!!!

Grace (calmly): I don’t believe it would affect them in any way, actually.

Bre (exasperated sigh)

Pause

Bre: But what about the anchovies?!?!

Grace (puzzled): What about the anchovies?

Bre (throws hands up in the air)

Grace (grabs steering wheel): BRE! WHAT ARE YOU DOING!??!!

Car careens out of control and goes off the road, rolls down a hill and into a tree.

Bre and Grace sit in stunned silence

Grace (sarcastically): Nice.

Bre and Grace exit the car and begin to assess the damage

Bre: Oh dear.

Awkward silence

Bre: Now what?

Awkward silence

Grace: You tell me.

Awkward silence

Bre (wails): NOW WE DON’T HAVE A CAR SO WE CAN FINISH OUR TOUR OF THE ENGLISH COUNTRYSIDE!!!! (collapses on the ground sobbing)

Grace (stares blankly): How far are we from London?

Bre (stops wailing and stands up): 22.2 miles.

Grace: Okay then.

Bre: Why do you ask?

Grace: Why do you think I’m asking?

Pause

Bre and Grace: HOLMES!

Bre and Grace hear rustling in the bushes.

Bre (edges closer to Grace): What was that?

Rustling stops

Grace: Let’s go investigate…

Bre and Grace wander to bushes and begin inspecting ground

Bre (stops dead in tracks and points at ground): Grace…I found something…

Grace (comes over to see): What?

Pause as Grace looks at ground

Grace (gasps)

Bre (solemnly): I think we should let Holmes handle this.

EXEUNT